Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
