I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
