Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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