is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
