If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
