Cold hands, warm shart.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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