Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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