i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
