So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You made out with two different species that night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
