just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
