I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
