so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
