I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
