My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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