A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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