Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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