$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
