I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
