I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
