and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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