you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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