A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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