i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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