Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
