Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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