is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
