I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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