She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
