Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
