My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
