I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
