Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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