I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We got so high we made milksteak
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
