last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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