Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
