btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
