just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In America we eat man semen.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
