some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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