Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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