i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
