Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
