He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
