Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
