walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
