My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
