Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
