Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
