I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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