I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
