I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
