I wish I could punch you in the face.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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