I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
