i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
