I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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